Better Than it Was?

I am re-watching "As Good As It Gets" to see if it is better and easier for me to understand now in a different place in my life.  I didn't really get it before.  We'll see now.

Digging Through Memories

Spent the evening last night going through all of the found photos from the tornado that have been scanned.  I didn't find any of ours, but I did find something.  I found camaraderie.  I realized that I have more in common with my neighbors and all of the people in my community than I thought.  I saw that we all take pictures of our big events like weddings and proms.  We all love our pets and take pictures of them either dressed up or doing something cute.  We all really, really love our kids and take pictures of them and have pictures taken of them often.  I saw so much that looked so familiar in faces, smiles and people trying to enjoy life and make memories out of all of the moments that make up all of our lives.

Losing so much of myself

Losing so much physical stuff in my life seems like it came at a really bad time when I was already losing so much of my identity.  Becoming a mom for the first time is hard.  I don't know if I am handling worse than other people, but it sure feels that way.  I'm sure all of the trauma I have endured has not helped my being able to handle all of the changes in my life.  I sometimes wish there was just one small piece of the house, my Jeep or the other things that were lost to hold on to, sit it or look at to feel like that version of myself again.  Everything in this house feels like it is someone else's.  Even my things feel like they are out of place and not 100% mine.  The environment we chose to live in feels so drenched in other people's lives that it is hard to replace my sense of self here.  I love my son so much and that is a burden.  I am willing to dedicate every action I take to his well being.  Even breaks and moments I take for myself, I have a thought of it being for his eventual good.  "If I'm rested, happy and healthy then he will model my behavior and become that for himself."  The piece that is missing, that has always been missing, is that if he truly models my behavior, he will never be doing it for himself, he'll just be taking care of himself to please other people.  I've lost so much of myself because there was very little about me that I like before anyway.  I